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The Gambino family spokesman Joey (the scar) Giordano announced today impending layoffs for all of there US divisions. The Gambino family crime syndicate has had a long and profitable decade. Until the recent economic downturn, the crime business had paid well for the Gambinos and a number of other Families as well. “Many a proud man has fallowed in dar fodders footsteps and joined dis business. This is a frick'n American institution and a proud tradition fer many American families. So’s anyways, da family regrets da los of so many high paying US jobs, but can sees no odder alternitive to keep’n da family solvent. We's plan’s on terminate'n 2000 employees; and I do’s mean terminate,” said Giordano.
“This comes as no surprise,” said Benny (The Mug) Caracciolo from down Providence, “ Day’s been sending more and more of our jobs to the Chinese Mafia for years.” What was once the realm of guys like Eddie (The Knife) Balducci is now more often then not being handled by someone named Chin (The Dangler) Wang. “How’s can we's compete wit a Chinese hit man dat will whack a guy for half the goin' rate?” Caracciolo went on to say “da price of gas and food has hurt everyone and made it harder for people to pay for protection, buy drugs, prostitution, guns, and nobody’s borrowing money from da sharks since the big mortgage meltdown”. The current financial climate in the US has been a great strain on the organized crime business and doesn’t look to be getting any better any time soon. With the high cost of healthcare, fuel and energy, a considerable investment is required to maintain operations even in small town America. “Just da cost of driving a guy out to da desert and put’n a bullet in his head has doubled dis year, cause’a da high cost of gasoline, but you's didn’t hear dat from me” said Frankie (The Cousin) Lobasso of the Cardone Family of Las Vegas.  With all the financial problems facing the Mafia today it seems that it would only take one more straw to break their backs. Unfortunately there has been an ongoing environmental backlash from factions with in their own ranks. Many environmentally conscientious Mobsters are concerned about the amount of lead used in many of their hits. “When we’s line a bunch of Rat Squealers up and waste’s em wit machine guns, we’re throwing lead all over’s da place. I know’s dis is family policy, but dere’s got to be a more eco friendly ways to whack someones” said Antony (Itchy) Galliano of Newark NJ. “Don’t even gets me started on what we’re do to our water ways when we makes it so’s a guy is sleep’n wit da fishes.”  During a US Justice Department interview, recently appointed Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey said “we are concerned about the problems facing the Mafia today. It is important for our agency to recognize the role played by the Mafia in our day-to-day efforts. If organized crime fails, so goes the Justice Department. It’s in the best interest of the Department to help maintain a foe. Without the families to investigate, layoffs will surely follow for us as well. That’s just trickle down economics.”  There are many difficult issues facing today’s crime families, but with hope and perseverance, these once proud families will stand again as a testament to American determination. We can all play a part to see this dream of a vibrant and strong Mafia come to fruition. If you use drugs, buy from an American instead of from a Columbian. If you’re going to hire a hooker make sure she speaks proper English. If you're going to take out a loan, get it from one of the many convenient Loan Sharks, you’ll get a better rate than from your bank anyway. Lets keep American crime, American! Together we can all help make a difference in the life of a mobster. By Ruth Less
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I'd buy one if it were 1/2 a million....
"a match made in heaven" yep!!
It just makes me sick.
Yeah! fuck this shit!
Great read! an so true.